Tuesday, December 2, 2014

Chaotic house

Chaos reigns

My Shrink suggested that, although my work side is neat and tidy, it’s my house, my personal space that represents my mind.. As I pondered this over the past week, I am disturbed by this more and more. There is so much going on, both figuratively and literally in my house that there is no room for anything, even happiness. All of this stuff is sucking the life from me. I find my soul is as overwhelmed as my house and my mind follows suit. This is a self-imposed prison of sorts that I am struggling to get out from. The clutter rules every aspect of my life. I think about as often as I think about my lover.
A house is supposed to be a haven from the elements. A place of shelter and refuge for the body and soul. A place to nurture yourself and loves. It’s more than a roof over my head. This house reflects my chaotic thoughts and feelings. It has alters my relationships with people as I cannot accept guests, friend or family. I am unable to hold parties and celebrate holidays with anyone. My chaos has turned my usual gregarious self into a paranoid hermit that I am today. It is a reflection of me, I cannot have other see the shambles that my life has become.
“Clutter is filling a need in my emotions” she said. Filling a gaping hole.. I pondered her words.. I don’t think this is the sole reason.. “It’s about losing everything again” I thought back.
To be vulnerable again, to have to start with nothing again. To have to beg from friends for a couch, food, money, fuel. To be nothing again. The catch 22 is, this stuff that comforts my need pushes those I love away.
I want love, family, a place people can come and celebrate and stay in comfort. The psychologist suggested clearing one room. Just one before I see her again in December. The task is daunting. If I could clear one room, then maybe, just maybe I can recover from being a hoarder? Must see beyond the stuff. It’s is just stuff. It’s time to let go. It’s ok to let go.
Boredom and frustration, looking to fill my needs by always searching for the next item. Yes, maybe this will be the thing that will bring fulfilment to my seemingly empty life. Living like this creates the same feelings as I have looking at myself in the mirror. I hate myself as I hate myself.

Yes the house is me. It’s a mirror image and it’s time to change it.
In life you are a passenger or a pilot. Time to take charge.

Wasn't going to post this publically as it may upset too many people. Hate being censored.SOO here it is. My thoughts at the pub.



  1. Shoe Sunday lasts a week. :) you can link up any day of the week if you like. :)

  2. Whoa nelly, I think one room could be a too large task to begin with. :) I've been here and done this before, and here is my thought for you.

    Pick a spot, and work on it for one X (hour, half hour, 15 minutes, whatever works for you) - then, give yourself a reward.

    You can also try the pomodoro technique which is, focus in on a task for 25 minutes, set a timer, then have a 5 minute break.

    Set yourself a goal of X number of pomodoros before you see her in December.

    Anyway, that is just my thought on that. :)

  3. probably more do-able..I did a pile of papers in the office... And that was all I could do. Mentally its all too fatiguing..But I will follow your idea and use a timer. This would also set a goal and maybe the office can be access without stepping over crap.. Sigh. Still.. Happy I have a small hanging area now. :-)

  4. Well, friend, I'll offer my encouragement here too. After Janet died, part of my grieving process was first to see her personal things dealt with. I had no need for her clothes, shoes, bags, and such things. While my kids were here, we took those things to the local charity so others could benefit from them.

    Then the kids were gone and it was time to dig a bit deeper. I began the process of looking at almost everything in the house and making a decision about it. It took me about a year to make that first purge. I had to do it a bit at a time and it was easy to be overwhelmed. Hell, it's still easy to be overwhelmed.

    Now it's time to do it again, I think. This time it's mostly my stuff. I'm beginning the process of looking at all my things. I need to decide which really mean sometime to me... either have utility to me as tools or are sufficiently significant emotionally to keep them. I want to sell my house and either live in a travel trailer or a much smaller place. I can't do that with the things I now have.

    You can do this, friend. It might be just a little tiny bit of one part. But each tiny bit will build you a bit of momentum, the confidence that you can do the next tiny little bit. You get to choose the size of the bit. I'd encourage you to make it meaningful for you, but be wise in assessing what you can do. Make it doable and then celebrate the hell out of getting it done! Sing, dance, curse at the demons, whatever makes you happy, confident, and triumphant. Have fun with it, cheat the devil, kick the black dog in the teeth. ;)

  5. Recognising the problem is an important first step - so take some comfort in that. I feel the same urges as you, but to a lesser degree. I have a friend who is a worse hoarder than you, which is why I don't find your house particularly off-putting to visit. If there's anything I can do to help, please ask :-)

  6. I have another blog for deep and meaningfuls. No one knows it's there but me (and now you, ha!) That underwear looks great and so do you in it!

  7. I feel you. Our flat has become increasingly cluttered over the last couple of years as my shopping addiction and lack of organisation has taken its toll. I buy new things because I forget what I have. I need to upend the whole frigging place, but then I'll be faced with my disease in full (and it does feel like a fucking disease, pardon my French.) Like you, I'm aware of a yawning abyss within, and no amount of anything seems to fill it. Having an aloof husband doesn't help. xx

  8. Step by step.. Thank you for the support.

  9. I undersatnd fully. Really I do.

  10. Day by day.;. as long as more goes out than comes in... I will get there

  11. Thank you so much. XOXOXO I am using the .."Is is adding to the value of my life" test.

  12. Perfect! I should have thought of that one. :)


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