Sunday, August 23, 2015

Testing drugs

Its my aim to be off anti depressants.

Yes they make me calmer but is this a way to live long term. My psychologist suggested 75mg first and see how I am affected. I know a major effect is weight gain and I know withdrawal symptoms are dizziness and nausea with fuzziness and then it descends to depression and evil thoughts about myself. SO Withdrawal is something I wish to minimise as much as possible.


Today is day 1 of 75mg..

Its been almost 24hrs.. so far no ill effects.. yay!!!!

Saturday, August 22, 2015

Outfit August 2015 the week that was



I have been attempting to write an Outfit august post all week and yet to find the time.
Monday and Tuesday would have only had one outfit, so I planned to post on Wednesday on my day off. Alas, I spent the day running around after my parent and my chores. Didn't help that I was so tired from midnight finishes that I woke up after noon.
I thought, on Thursday, beauty, I have the whole arvo off but, no, mother came over and took up all of my time. OK, I have Friday, and three hours between appointments so I'll knock one up then.. noooo my appointment took 3 hours and then I remembered dog food. So a quick change and off to my arvo appointment. Not home until after 1900hrs.

I DID manage to get a battery for my remote and get some photos of Thursday's outfit but thats where the images stayed, due to mother's visit.

SIGH.

Here we are at Saturday and I am at work, trying to write some sentences down between trains and work on track.

SOOOOO Here we are.

Sunday



T-Shirt from Nikki Rockets Size L Ladies
Jeans from City Chic Size 14
Shoes - Target (Old ones)


Tuesday


Everything from City Chic.
The top is $20!! Here
Cardigan is here
Grunge Bootleg Jeans Here
Wednesday




This Kaftan had been in my wardrobe for a few months. I have not had the opportunity to wear it, but today I was wanting pretty but casual. I have the Long Tall Sally Skirt Leggings underneath.  MY size only make a few of each garment for the nationwide stores, around 100 odd pieces, They have a new Kaftan for this year and although I love it, I seem to be on a shopping ban. BOO. You can buy my an XS here though.. Or wear it yourself and rub it in. SIGH.
Long Tall Sally Leggings are here. Very comfy

Thursday



This dress was purchased for my by my mother. Its Long Tall Sally in a size 16 and on Sale here (UK sizing)
The cardigan is from Nikki Rockets but I don't think they have any more.. (Check though) and the Coat is Hell Bunny from last year's winter range. t came in Burgundy and Black. Its lovely and warm. Its an 3XL and theory it should be swimming on me, but its just the right size so I can't work out their sizing.

Friday


Day of Psychoanalysis. I was cold all morning and just couldn't get warm so out came this cozy jumper I got on sale last season from (You guessed it) City Chic. Haven't seen it recently but the USA site may have it for the coming cooler weather. Its soft and cuddly and just makes you feel safe. If you see one, grab it. This is an XS and as you can see its huge on me. Very stretchy. Jeans are also CC, alas no longer available. Theis pair of Jeans have 4 buttons to form a corset, are very soft fabric and stretchy. As my waist is currently larger than the size 14 that I have here, stretchy is good until I get a handle on my weight gain. Boot cut/ Total win except my dog insists on rubbing brown hairs all over me. 


Saturday



More City Chic.. :)
The top was bought on sale, part of the China Blue collection. There were such pretty tops but who can afford 4 $80 tops?? Not me. I think this was $20. The jacket is two seasons old and the jeans (Not seen) are the same as yesterday.




Thus endth the week :)


Other outfit August Ladies to check out!
The lovely Organiser Leah
Harriet
Emma
Veronika
Nikki
Christy
Charli
Mookie
Lucy
Steph
Cathy
Meshel
Jane

Therapy

Yesterday I embarked on a journey of Psychoanalysis. I have always pondered if Hypnotherapy could help me in various compulsive issues and what has held me back is a fear of being unhypnotisable.

"Psychoanalysis is a treatment based on the theory that our present is shaped by our past. We are often unaware of how experiences can affect us. Painful feelings can remain in the unconscious mind and influence our current mood and behaviour and contribute to problems with self-esteem, personality, relationships and work.

Because we are unaware of these forces, common problem-solving techniques – such as seeking the advice of friends and family or reading self-help books– often fail to provide relief.
Psychoanalysis helps a person take control of these influences by tracing them back to their origins and understanding how they have developed over time. This awareness offers the person the opportunity to deal constructively with the way these influences affect their current life."

I bit the bullet and last week made a booking with a local lady whose card had mysteriously appeared in my wallet. I don't remember ever seeing this card before and have NO idea where it came from. Weird, but I'm used to weird things happening to me.

ANYWAY.

I got an email back telling me I was booked in at 11am and please write your history, anything you think could be a trigger, and cash only

How was your upbringing - loving, controlling, abusive (psychological ofphysical) etc.
Did your parents have issues - Anger, Alcohol or Gambling problems

What was school like - were you bullied, made to feel embarrassed etc.

Did you undergo any child sexual abuse or rape

Have you ever had any injury or accident

Have you experienced trauma of any sort - hold up, found out your spouse cheated on you, your parent(s) died, had a miscarriage etc.

Do you suffer from problems - alcohol, gambling, eating disorder such as bulimia/anorexia, depression, migraine headaches, insomnia, irritable Bowel syndrome, finger nail biting, asthma, psoriasis, etc.

Are you on medication - what sort, what for, how long, do you suffer from any side effects from this.

 Anything else not mentioned?" 

This caused me a great deal of issues, I LOVE writing about anything and my day and and and...

My life has been written down for the past few years on paper form BUT when asked to face my past, my brain shut down.
I couldn't write a sentence

 The night before the appointment, this task weighed on my mind, but I was treated to a lovely Indian dinner that was a total food orgasm. Never in my life have I tasted something so divine.

 That's getting off track a bit.

I had a few drinks and headed for bed. In the am I was despondent and was refusing to get up until I was told to.

Sternly.

Yes, I had to get up, get organised and get out and moving. For the life of me, I couldn't get warm. My body was cold.

I had a counselling session and the lady was lovely.
I wasn't sure how to take her at first. All sessions are 2 hours but anything over that is not charged.

She take as long as you need to find a solution. I think my session was long just in talking.
I was emotional for a lot of it and we hadn't even started any hypnosis I talked about my past, my schooling, angst with my Great Gran disapproving of me because I was a girl. An outgoing girl and girls in the 1890s were not supposed to be outgoing. The sun shined out of my brother's arse in this time period and my mother did the right thing and removed me from the situation.

To do this she sacrificed her own young adulthood and worked up to three jobs for many years.
All of this was discussed.
My assaults, my husbands and my failure to keep a long, loving relationship were all there.
My food of course and my hoarding.
The shopping and the hoarding are related which was obvious, even to me but it was my security blanket. The trouble is, my need to have a clean house is starting to override this security, causing anxiety.
Helps that I live with a person used to a neat house. Or maybe this was the trigger for change.

 The hypnosis part started with a test to see how easily I could be hypnotised.
Apparently I can't easily be swayed by a relaxing voice and assurances. I need facts and work pictures not airy fairy imagery.
 My conscious brain won't allow it. Bruni has an alternative and I don't quite know how she did it as I was still conscious the whole time.
I was in total disbelief when she got my arm to move without my input, What witchcraft is this???
 It took ages for my sub conscious to get my arm to touch my nose, I think I was resisting that this was possible. This became like an octopus' tentacle, detached and not knowing. EEEPPP.

 She made my collect up my negative memories and burn the books so to speak. Even after doing this, we found I was holding on to one.
Why?
 I had no answer for her.
 She asked again why was I holding on to sadness.
What value did it have in my present life. It doesn't change the past and it isn't my ocean to sail.
 The emotions I had towards my mother's life was not my journey just as her mother's life was not her journey. We had our own ships to sail and I thought on it and let that book go too.




Did I see my Grandfather?
 No.

 I am not a visual person. Did I learn his lessons? What he taught me? Yes.

She tried to get me to laugh but even in a trance this was not for me. Why? I didn't say. I had no desire to laugh. I wasn't unhappy, but laughing wasn't for me at this time. She will try again if I come back. :)

Afterwards.. I felt head-achy, washed out and damned tired. Is this normal? No idea.

I paid my cash and realised it had been over 3 hours. Long time.

She thinks I will not need another session but if I do, the cost is reduced.
I was touchy last night but I had to rush to my psychologist's appointment. Collecting my mother, we pooled our resources to buy a quick coffee and then I had to go.

The psychologist has been happy with my progress and now my life is happier, my issues are fading and she thinks I have a high chance of eventually giving up anti depressants IF I continue as I have been. This means my growth depends on the people around me, my inner circle and this puts a bit of stress on me and them. Still I will work towards no drugs. :)I have been released from psychology. Thats a win right??


Will hypnosis work?? Time will tell.

My mother is booked in in September. I'll have more of an idea by then

xoxo

Sunday, August 16, 2015

My Achilles heel

Looked OK here but OK is not great.
I had some returns to deliver to the shop at Macarthur. I managed to let go two sets of bras and the cowl neck red dress. I was sent two sets the same and one pink set that was tight and biting me. I wanted so much to keep them but the words of wisdom from H prevailed. The red dress didn't suit as it made my wide hips look even wider. I have such lovely work dresses, this was a none starter. I was going to return the cirset belt but I think I need to play with it or hopefully a friend will buy it.

I walked in confidently and determined to not buy anything. I was sure I could do this.

Boy was I wrong. SIGH. In future, I'll send mother or a proxy in my stead as I just can't walk in to City Chic and not layby or by something.
Get the red dress here on sale
The bra I returned.
The bra set I kept was instantly comfortable. I wore the bra from night shift and even after 20 odd hours on, it wasn't hurting. Wonderful bra. 


I saw in my Glam email, the poppy skirt and cop top. I wanted to avoid it but it was front and centre. Ok It can't hurt to try.. can it?

Nah I have this under control. 




The skirt is a heavy satiny/silky material and true to CC sizing. The crop tops are a snug fit. I could possibly get away with my usual XS but it was too tight across my back for my personal comfort. . The S shown above seems a tad large in the poppy crop but with Jeans is totally ok.  I adore the crop tops, the skirt, I dunno. I love it but would I wear it to work? If not then where? Uncertain and suffering sleep debt, I just put them all on lay-by and headed home. I still love the tops though. I wished I had my proper belt.

The skirt can be purchased online here
The crop top black here You can see the open back on the web site.
and crop top poppy here.

Which is you fav?

Saturday, August 15, 2015

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Not City Chic

Today's dress is NOT from City Chic. Believe it or not, I do shop in other plus sized stores.
Well this is not strictly a plus sized brand but they cater from size 8 (My Mother's size) to size 24 (My old size) I sit in the middle swinging from size 16 to 18 depending on the fit.
The great thing about this store, Long Tall Sally, that sets it apart are two things.
1. They cater for Tall women. The maxi dresses here are even too long for me and my mother takes 2 inches off most dresses and skirts
2. Their customer service is outstanding. They ARE based in the UK, so their hours are UK hours but the staff on the end of the phone are 24/7 and very very helpful. Returns are easy and cheap and we (IN Australia) are NOT paying huge postage prices. Most of the time you get free postage anyway.
3.I finally have dresses and pants that cover my shoes. (I am 174cm) Jeans in OZ are too short for me most of the time.
4. great quality items. Actually superior to my beloved City Chic

Bad things about LTS

1. Prices. Not a cheap brand esp as they base their prices in pounds.
2. SLOOOWWWWW delivery. I mean snail slow. I have things from the USA arrive quicker.
3. You can never quite guess if a dress is going to be tight fitting or not until you try a few items and get a feel for the brand.

My mother shops at LTS instead of the local shops as the last brand she loved treated her shabbily in the store over a lay-by that was 1 week late. The manager attempted to shame my mother in front of the other customers. Luckily my mother is not one to be treated that way. I wrote a long email to the company and did receive an apology.

Onwards
OK Shitty pics as I STILL have not bought a new battery for my DSLR remote. Sigh.

At Easter I wore this Yellow LTS dress in Size 16. It was tight.. I would size up...

The back is very pretty. Its on sale now.. so grab one whilst its still available. Oh and it creases horribly.. Still sooo pretty....and comfortable. Its on sale here

My mother and I got a few orders.. leggings and misc basics as we are both tall in the leg but this next dress was a big miss.


Drat but can't win them all. Not the dress but the extra 10kg I am carrying atm. Eh... It is a jersey fabric and gripped me in all the wrong places.. This went back. Sizing was fine and its a nice knee length. Just didn't suit me. Its on Sale for $33au here





 Mother liked this in the size 10 model and thought it would suit me. The colour did but the body con style and the jersey material didn't. All the bumps.. If I had gone up a size and worn some under dress corsetry, I would get away with it. Alas, we sent it back for the size 18 but they sent me a totally different dress in mother's size. Ah well she loved it. On sale here

The most recent one, again my mother bought me (As payment for a job) At first it was tight around the middle but I have lost 2kg so it fits better. I have the city chic belt to add an accent but it has ties at the back.

This is todays' Outfit August. I loved the feel of this soft cotton dress. As with a lot of LTS dresses, its far too long on my 174cm frame but I put heels on and strutted my stuff :) 


No stretch in this dress but its going to be a staple for summer I just feel it. It buttons all the way down so you can show as much cleavage or leg as you choose., You can get it here

For my trip to Vegas and the seminars I need to attend I have this beautiful long dress, in the Rasberry as the white has a see through review. Such a shame as I don't have a long white dress. :(
I'll have to take a photo when I get batteries. (Blogger fail) 

Photo from LTS website
This has to be tailored 2 inches shorter!! Still a stunning dress and I hope they sell a blue or red one one day. 

Waiting for this work dress.. 
Photo from LTS website

It was $41 so finally affordable. You can get one here

Have a look and tell me your favourites...

Should I buy the white slinky white dress?? You know I don't mind a bit of flesh showing..


Wednesday, August 12, 2015

I have night shift

So??

It means I have the lovely day to myself. I have done my C25K for the day but I aim to do another workout this arvo as I will sleep most of tomorrow, I have retrieved the mail (Just a magazine.. BOO) and watcyed a cold front blow over Picton. It pured for 45 mins then blue, sunny skies with a lower temp.



My outfit of today is therefore, very exciting workout gear. LOL.




OK no more bikkie snacking, off to workout 2!



Other outfit August Ladies to check out!
The lovely Organiser Leah
Harriet
Emma
Veronika
Christy
Charli
Mookie
Lucy
Steph
Cathy
Meshel
Jane


Tuesday, August 11, 2015

Oh I hate arvo shift

I am itching to get away. Really.

Has a crap food day, I had an afternoon tea with a close friend and we indulged in caramel cupcakes. HMMMMMMMMMM Too small though..

A work colleague had a mouse cake and shared that around and I had bikkies at home prior to coming to work. OOPS there goes the hard work of the past few weeks.

I can start again tomorrow right???

sigh. I am just weak.

I have a trip in October to be fit for.. my mother has a ball gown picked out even and I have to try to fit into it. **Mental shake**

All good.




My Outfit August for the past few.. well only pics from today's one as I have had Sunday as a house day in tracksuit pants and hoodie and Monday was Jeans and a City Chic top. A lovely flowy white one that was see through so I had to wear a singlet underneath. (YAY for target $4 plain singlet tops)

I was going to post an image of the top but its no longer on the CC web site. BOOOO..

Today then.

Arvo shift, means a nice or acceptable top but jeans are ok. YAY. Semi casual so to speak.


No surprise.. City Chic top, XS on sale, currently $30. 
City Chic Jeans from last year and Boots from some payless shoes but no longer available. BOO they are awesome and comfy.I bought two pairs, one grey and one black. 

Mother update is she is ailing again. The stress of being back at work and being on night shift in winter is not doing her any good. She has lost 6kg in 4 weeks. Not good for a lady now under 54kg. EEP. 

Left foot Right foot Left foot Right foot..



Other outfit August Ladies to check out!
The lovely Organiser Leah
Harriet
Emma
Veronika
Christy
Charli
Mookie
Lucy
Steph
Cathy
Meshel
Jane


Monday, August 10, 2015

Another perfect weekend

Though my body fails me a few times, I don't let it get to me.  EH, I'm over 40, its to be expected to hasve a few hurts.

We had Kelsea with us this dive so we were diving with her company of choice, Shellharbour Diving, Mick there is pretty awesome, I have talked with him in the carpark in the past as we were going in for a dive and he was leaving. I have seen his photography work and its certainly beautiful. For me, they are much more relaxed than Donna and this suits Kelsea and Heath, but make me worry a tad., I like Donna's no nonscence attitude. Still this was a social dive, not a class and the guys at Shellharbour are wondefully welcoming and friendly. You can't NOT dive with them.
Heath reports that they do cost doube what Windang does but IF Fabian will lend me his flippers, we won't need to hire from now on.

The boys took me to the Gutter. Heath has been trying to get me to dive here for ages but its always been crappy tides/waves/.swell or Donna has taken us to the Gravel loader instead.

Visibility was CRAP. I turned to check on my buddy, looked back and poof the Dive Master was gone! He was only 5m in front but damned if I could see him. Luckily he was wearing neon flippers and so I eventually located these in the gloom.



Rather dull looking Mosaic Seastar (Plectaster decanus) 

Weedy Seadragom (Phyllopteryx taeniolatus)

Thanks to Mick, we found two weedy sea dragons, some pip horses (Too small for my camera) some tiny tiny shrimp on the fan ) a few star fish and a frog fish.  I saw some amazing things but one photographer came in on top of me at one point and pushed me out of the way. GRR. OK I don't have my DSLR underwater but you broke the photoline. Not cool.








I was running out of air as wqas Heath. Kelsea was with the dive master but when we found the toad fish, I was clear aboiut my air situation. Lucky we were near the exit point. :) All good. I exited with 29 bar :) Heath told me he had 5 bar left. AH we were close to shore anyway.

Back at the store,this store does one dive, pack up, return to the store and then return.. odd. I would rather stay in my wet suit, gossip for two hours and jump back in but each shop does things differently.
Kelsea was hungry but I was chatting. Heath tells me I was super animated, My headache had not god despite severy pain killers.l GRRRRl I tried hydrating but water makes me sick in quantilites over 300ml. Ugh.

Subway was yummy and returning to the shop, I tried not to lose my temoter when Heath sold my lead weights without discussing it with me. ARGHHH.. I know Fabian will be able to use Heath's weights, but for some reason this just rubbed me the wrong way. Trying to keep my temper, I concetrated on the next dive. We had decided to do a solo dive. Heath chose the Gravel loader but the east side. The Western/Southern side was boring, only urchins as far as the eye can see.

We headed off after a surface interval of 2hrs 20, plenty of time.

Saddling up, we did the illawarra thing of clambering over rocks. What is it with these Wollogong people. They love to dive off rocks. I felt like a seal with one flipper. Unco doesn't even describe my grace over the rocks.

As soon as we descended, Heath headed off North to which Kelsea and I, confused, made the WTF signal.. hahha., she swam over to get him and she set off as the new dive master. She trained under Mick at Shellharbour and it showed. She found the tiniest things, She did miss the Port Jackson shark but otherwise did a great job.



I found a Turban Shell,(Turbo torquatus) but alas it was at the end of dive 2 so I didn't stop to photograph it. BOO.,  Kelsea found a Tasmanian chromodroid( Chromodoris tasmaniensis) but I didn't have any macro equipment. My Go-Pro macro lens had fallen off, Ugh. Equipment malfunction,.
Heath found some eggs. Very cool

Three Bar porcupine fish I chased.


Port Jackson hiding from us

We had a great dive. I really enjoyed this, Aside from not finding the octopus that I saw evidence of, my two dive buddies were excellent.  I was thrilled with the 50 minutes, we weren't stressed and we didn't get lost. :)

Lots of Leather Jackets of many types. Exit from the dive site was sorta easy if you like being washed up like a whale carcass. The fisherman nearby would have seen three of us wash up on the rocks. LOL.

A great day out. I am thrilled I can be out and about on my few days off, Just wish I could dive during the week on my normal days off, but no one is avaliable. BOO.

Good exercise. 1000 odd calories for two dives. Total win, :)

How was your weekend????