Thursday, July 30, 2015

THERE'S your problem

I have watched my weight climb steadily recently. Mostly It has been static since last august at 92/93kg.. High but not going up or down. This coincided with me going in medication for depression. I was even warned that weight gain was a side effect but after months of sable weight, I went on the cruise, made sure I kept busy and went tot he gym daily to attempt to offset the food gluttony.
I have no will power.
Returning from the cruise, my private world was turned upside down and I neglected my exercise. No that was ok for a while but suddenly, I find my weight climbing..

Alcohol, yes..

I eat nuts and a lot.. Hmm yes..

But its 0840hrs on a work day and I am over my calorie intake. Whilst my lack to movement is a contributing factor, its my high calorie food that is doing the most damage. Have to return to my old regime and pull my lazy arse into line. I have lots of money invested in my wardrobe and some are not too tight!! OOOOOOOOOOO

Last night I went through 8 dresses to find one for work today. Bad bad bad omen.

Dug out my fit bit. logged back into the web site and logged all my food for the am.

THERE is MY problem.  SIGH... now, where is the chocolate?

Tuesday, July 28, 2015

Weird demands

So I get some text from my mother, I am to take Long Service leave in September and go to Vegas for a conference with her.
I have a few issues with this.

Whilst I have some friends I would die to see (Hello Tina, Randy and Kevin) I know that my own feeling about the border security to enter the states would piss me right off, my friends live in Washington not Nevada and my mother would drive me to homicide.
Also.. I can't get leave in 4 weeks.. I need more time.

I have my child and we have plans to go SCUBA diving, Fabian is doing his Advanced and Nitrox course in the first weekend of the holidays of September and Heath and are a social diving the ex-HMAS Adelaide that weekend whilst the offspring does his schooling also in the Adelaide.

I talked to my roster clerk and even he is shaking his head. Maybe David can get two weeks LSL and go to the USA for me..... **Hoping**

I completed the theory for the PADI underwater Photography course. It was excruciatingly boring and in the end I just did the exam in each section. I watched most of the online videos but I kept dozing off (For real! - I nearly missed my train stop)  Abyss can't get me an instructor for my weekend with Fabian so .. I will have to sit on the practical part for a little while. I would rather spend the money  on the Magic point (La Perouse) shark dive in October than this silly course.
I am annoyed I can't get a copy of the Multi level dive course, it seems to be no more, but I am fascinated with this sort of diving. I know theory bores the crap out of Heath and he isn't thrilled at having homework for the Deep water diver (With Windang who won't give me a date as they need more than 2 ppl BOOOO)  if they don't get me a date soon, I'll get a refund. I have so little time off. ARGHHH..But I like the senior instructor at Windang.. I wish she worked somewhere else. Sigh. For her professionalism, I'll have to suck up the inefficiency..

Work this week has been day shift and early am. I need to remember to take OOTD but as pointed out the work toilet is not the nicest place for photos. Alas its the only lit place with a mirror. Hmm

David has returned to work :) YAY.. Life is settling into a new routine.


Friday, July 24, 2015


Ok still sitting on my huge and expanding arse.. but whilst I was on the train on the way home I paid 75% of our deep water diving.I hope I have a few weeks to pay the rest but in a way I want to dive right in.. so to speak..
For the record, the deep is out of comfort zone but its a step forwards for me and another step to wreck diving. I can use deep more often than wreck,. I am happy to just take snaps on the outside of a wreck. Least for now.

Now if only I had days off for a social dive or two. Damn it!!

I am wading through Padi underwater photography but damn its boring.. zzzzzz I am even avoiding it tonight.


Naval Gazing

and other random thoughts
An excellent post written by the talented Snoskred had me thinking of the changes that have happened rather organically recently.

I was and in a lot of way still am a SLAVE TO MY PHONE. I remember even travelling through the UK with my head down a lot of the time. I used several O2 sim cards with "unnlimited" data (SNORT) and ran out constantly. I have an amaysim sim card that offers me 7GB of start a month and yes, with 6 days to go, I have 1GB left. I am sweating.


in recent months,
- I have been leaving my phone at home when I go out for dinner..
- putting my phone on block 10pm to 3am.
- having it on silent during the day esp when at work, It used to be on vibrate
- I have stepped back from social media, I have been absent from Twitter, rarely on FB and don't check IG everyday. If on IG I tend to seek out certain people instead of mindless scrolling
- I put my phone in my bag on the train and reading or instead , more recently, sleeping.
- I read my rss feeds only once or twice a week and not on my phone.
- I resist reading or checking my phone in the bedroom. Its for alarm clock only. There are exceptions. In my job, I do have to take some calls.

I have instead discovered there are people in the real world. There is sun and plants and shit.. who would have thought.
As I have stated, this has been gradual, ever since I nearly drowned at Easter time, I have sought to live the life that I have to the best of my ability. Whilst I hate my shift times, I do love my job. I love the challenge and I have great teamwork happening. My work is fairly positive and when its quiet, I find a subject to study rather than browse the net.
I have started a my wish/bucket list. For years and years, after my mother and grandfather used to talk about diving and boating around Bass strait and Southern NSW, have I wanted to SCUBA dive. I successfully got my open water and shortly after, my Advanced open water. Heath thinks I am rushing things but I am the doer, when I get an idea in my head. Plus there is so much to see in the short years I have left, statistically 40-50 years. This seems a lot but as you age have you not noticed the years flying by?? Its almost August, I can't get to do social diving and have to book my free time months in advance to just get time off.

Self Love

I have been lazy in my self care and hence slipped back into my destructive thinking. It takes work to keep up maintenance in myself and I have dropped the ball. I have used my treadmill being covered in boxes as an excuse, and my lack of sleep isn't helping. The main issue is I am making excuses. On night shifts last week, I had the time to do at least 30 mins, or take the dog for a walk. I have undone all my hard work and regained 10kg. That's a 1/4 of the weight I lost. Its some of my eating, but mostly lack of movement.
My meals are balance, but I have a serious addiction to cereal. TO counter balance that, I try to stay with mother's home-made cereal or sultana bran. As I struggle to eat even one piece of fruit, I cut up and apple and put that in my cereal.  Least that's been successful.
Over 100kg with Mickey who was over 12kg  Not even at my heaviest (2005)

My brain sees only old me at 120+kg. My work on my self image has taken a knock and I think whilst I need to shape up and get back to my exercise, I have to be less severe on myself. Everyone has a slide right? Isn't the trick to get up off the floor and continue on?
I haven't had any major depression episodes, I pin this on my more positive circle of people in my life atm. I am getting support and this makes a huge difference.
2009 working Swindon A Signal Box 

On the way home last night I caught the end of an interview Richard Glover was doing about Fat Shaming One caller pointed out, rightfully, that he was always obese and never had a family member shame him or commented about his growing weight, he felt loved and supported enough to make his own decision to lose weight. Shaming and making snide comments only drives people to comfort eating. My point is I feel supported and stronger than I have at any time in the past, and  I will get back to my mid 80kgs. I don't mind being size 16 and therefore a smaller plus size, I do object to me own failure by my own hand. No more surgery until I am below 90kg. I have to do this myself.

This rambling was prompted by the radio program and a post that the Lovely Leah posted on FB. The article is positive but this paragraph struck me.
My Wedding was perfect

"As a fat woman, if you ask for help or guidance on almost any topic, what you inevitably hear is some version of “Take up less space.” Diminish yourself. Feeling sick? Make your body smaller. Can’t find love? Make your body smaller. Undervalued at work? Make your body smaller. Can’t make your body smaller? Hide your body. Can’t hide your body? “Flatter” your body (ie make it look smaller). Choose an empire waist. Cover your arms. Your body is too unattractive. Your body is too expensive. Your body is too unruly. We want to see less of you, or preferably none at all."
I have to love me enough to keep at it. Left foot, right foot, left foot, right foot..

Special mention to my support people. Whether they know it or not.
Kelina and her other half Alan. Supportive loving people.I am so blessed to have met you two. 
Fabian who knows his mother is crazy and tells me so

Leah, the lady who started me to love myself. (Stolen from her web site)
Aniseh who keeps me sane (Photo from her FB)

The boys in my life who love me no matter what. (And Basil who is scared of me)

My mother who makes a lot of my meals so I don't buy take out

David who has been dragged around the world by me. Your eating habits will kill me though.

Thursday, July 23, 2015

Day time Night time Day time Night timeAs

The week that was.,.. fairly dull. Nights changing to early ams this week. Of course that means I have late arvo shifts for the weekend to be followed by no sleep day work. YAY. Ugh... Some days just shoot me.

The end of last week, I lost my beloved black and red number plates.  Some genius, when they issued these plates didn't realise that in real life scenarios, these plates and the blue equivalent can been hard to see. I have followed some blue and black plates in the past and had to be almost up the guy's arse before I could make out the number plate so I see the need for recall but I love my plates. SO it was a sad day. The replacements were orange and they rubbed me the wrong way so the RMS issued me red plates with white. HMMMM.. I don't like but other people do. Its the best of a bad situation. Just wish they didn't still want to charge me the annual fee to have plates I didn't want. Que Sera.

Out with the old

In with the new

reshod car.

The weekend was so cold that my area of control literally froze. We had track work planned with buses replacing trains but the police closed the roads so.... we had to come up with an ad hoc train service. Ugh Nightmare. Still, the staff did an awesoe job and I had drivers ringing up to volunteer to help and run extra shuttles. Most of the staff were snowed in and one signaller had to sleep in his car as the Katoomba Pub (YES I WILL SHAME THEM) refused to open reception to give him a room for the night. Seriously?? The area is shut down and you can't be bothered to sell a room?? YOU would rather an empty bed than make money? More than that, you can't help a worker sleep for his next shift? What is wrong with these people?

For three days it snowed. The CEO told me it was the heaviest snow they have had since around 1965. 
Being so icy, I was dressing in my best comfy clothes.. ha! aka Daggy. 

As Kevin caption in IG Woosicle

Many many thanks to Randy and her mother Tina for these beanies.. a life saviour. You can get your own from their etsy store . 

The weekend was so hectic that Heath arranged a hotel room so I could actually get some sleep. This idea was a life saver!!  Trouble is, his night in the city made me jealous when I had time to catchup on his adventures. The room even had a harbour view! Lovely. Alas, no late check out but it was ok as I will always get up for a breakfast spread. I love breakfast and its this passion that is my downfall in my weight loss, or lack there of. ugh. Back to size 16/18. I am berating myself and this makes me depressed and vicious circle, drives me to chocolate etc etc etc. I HAVE to pull myself together, I do love my runs so I am annoyed at myself that I'm back to walking after getting back to 5km runs. Fuck.  Back to square 1. Walking is soooo boring alone so I just don't . Even the dog cant help here. 

Wow that escalated quickly. 

View to the east with HMAS Canberra

And to the west, the Domain and the bridge
Had a perfect Sunday.. it was super relaxing and warm. Sydney put on blue skies and 18C. Perfect winter's day (I can here my UK and USA friends laughing their heads off now) 
Monday was cold again and grey but as days off go, it was ok. I washed all of the dog's blankets and he sooked up next to me on the sofa (Hmm I should have exercised here). I bleached out my pink hair and added turquoise to mix it up. I was, as first unsure if I liked the colour, so far from my traditional red. I saw the black at the back was now faded and doesn't suit any more. OK with red.. I think all blue would be better than black and blue. 

Turquoise?? With Royal blue edges

Sooky dog

At the hairdresser changed to electric blue. 

After work Wednesday, with a trip to the shops for a colleague who needed some tea from my area as Penrith didn't stock it any more... I decided to have a trim. Its been a year since I had a hairdresser near my hair and that was in Thailand. My hair gets long and ratty but I usually don't have time to deal and just chop bits off the ends when its too yucky and dry. I got her to use my usual dye and she bleached out the back. With only some success, she did the roots all turquoise but the new dye lot was more blue green than green blue..
Next time, I'll try a brighter base colour and see if a new dye lot will be blue or green. :) 
Just out from the hairdresser

Lets try a back photo..... Poor lighting in the toilet.. Ugh.. Still..  I have been thinking of trying War Paint colours.. I adore my english dye but the shipping is a killer. Fudge (seen here) is great but you don't get much for $19.. War Paint is $17 for  100ml. Had anyone tried it? And yes I have tried Manic Panic, for years, but it fades far too quickly in my life and activities.

It looks green here but outside its more blue. I am obsessing ... hmmmmmmm
I have been trying to get time to do some social diving but the work gods have decreed I need to remain in my cave. BOOOOO

Least its not snowing

Tuesday, July 14, 2015

Scuba weekend

So after friday off to recover, (Diving three times in a day takes it out of you) I had to drop Fabian home for his plans for sunday. Poor kid wanted to dive with us.

Saturday Heath and I were going to pick up his middle child, Kelsea, and do our advanced course with a lady Heath had dived with before, Donna. I heard good things about her and her quality of training but mediocre about the shop she worked at.

We arrived at 8 as arranged and met Donna. The reviews about the shop was correct. The counter was cluttered, there was ancient crap in the display cabinet and some of the stuff were surly. Oh dear....
Donna took us to the class room, and we settled into the theory parts of the course. Heath HAD finshed his theory questions.. (heeheehee )

Saddling up, we had difficulty fitting three divers, 6 tanks, and three tubs of SCUBA gear in the little dualis. 4 divers would have  meant a trip to collect a trailer. If we all go to Sth West Rocks, we will have to be super prepared.

We were doing Nav and Peak performance Buoyancy. The lady with us was going todo Search and recovery but us three were not. At a place Heath called the Gravel loader.

Dive Instructor Donna


Sitting around... :) sorta

Lots and lots of sea urchins and not much else. For under water it was zzzzzzzz Heath and I entertained ourselves by making silly faces or sleeping actions.Even some rude ones at times.. lol.  I discovered I could laugh and breath with a regulator.

The Peak performance Buoyancy proved I needed the men's bigger steel tank and 2 lbs more. I had 20.5lb on plus the steel tank weight to FINALLY get some control. I wasn't sucking at buoyancy, I was under-weighted.  YAY Happy that I could drift along happily, we had a snack in our break..I found it hard to get out and landed on some urchins.. OUCH and even got a spine in my hand, (its still there) We all  chatted and changed tanks and lept back in for navigation.
I used to navigate in my flying career so this was no challenge. I didn't like setting the Lubber line all the time and just used the bearings but I got us back to our start point. Heath also got use back to our origin. We even allowed for the current which someone else forgot. We had to have a chuckle.. the guy was trying.. :)

All in all we had two subjects towards our Advanced open water and had two to go.
Back at the shop, we had a de-brief and some Nitrox tanks to test and load into the car. This time we did fit in 6 tanks of Nitrox, gear and divers.

Thank you swimsuitsforall

For Sunday, Donna kindly picked up Kelsea from her home so Heath and I could sleep in and just collect her at the highway pull over lane.. It worked perfectly we were 30 seconds behind them .
The drive to Terrigal was quite nice, Kelsea had control of the music and this suited me. I was surprised I had a lot of the music on my phone.

Arriving at Terrigal, the day was FREEZING. Trust us to pick the coldest day in 5 years to go diving. GEEZ... Coffee and toilet first them the fastest car park strip ever. Our wet suits were wet from the previous day but once on, we were a lot warmer. Thank goodness for neoprene., We had seen all the roads west on our way up were closed due to snow.

Photo from the SMH

Got our gear all set up and waited for our boat to the dive site.  It was blowing a gale as we clambered across the car park.
Looks nice but it was COOOOOOLLLLLDDDDD

As elegant as whales on the beach, we loaded our BCDs onto the dingy and clambered on.. the boys had to push the runabout out before taking a leap in.
Zooming off the wind chill made my brain hurt. Brain freeze.. Ugh... please no headache please please please.. I pulled my hood over my mouth and nose. AHH they helped a bit. 

Arriving at the dive site, we suited up and I was told to roll in so.. nothing ventured, nothing gained. Holding my mask and regulator, I rolled backwards and yay! ended upright. :) Winning!! God it was warmer than being on the surface. I was instructed to swim out to the number 4 buoy and wait for the others. This was exciting. :)

Donna signalled to descend and down we went... We had to follow the buoy line to the anchor line then wait.. check all was ok then when Donna gave the signal, down the anchor line.

(Above Donna in black and Heath in Yellow)

I got to the top of the mast happily enough then.. I looked down and it was cloudy at best and black at the dark bits. I could see Donna waving at me and Heath next to her, but I froze. It was a LONG way down and even though I KNEW we were not far from the bottom, it was still scary. Eventually I hopped off my perch and down to the main deck of the Ex-HMAS Adelaide. YAY!!! Reunited with my favourite ship.
Donna took us two for our Deep dive training and Kelsea was up higher with Phil as she had ear problems. Our tasks over, we were sent up to Phil and Kelsea was able to get to the deck with no pain so she did her training with Donna and we did our ascent to the 5m mark, then, after the 3 minute stop, up to  the dive boat with Phil.
Heath on the deck of the Adelaide

Phil waited to take us up to the dive boat. 

A break whilst we waited for Donna and Kelsea who passed successfully, we returned to Terrigal for food and allow another set of divers to go out to the wreck. When we returned around 90 mins later, we stayed on the main deck. No penetration of the interior as it is not the full wreck course. BOOO Still, we dod not have torches so it was a safety thing anyway.
Heath and Phil chatted over lunch

Kelsea, poor thing found at the wreck site that her nitrox tank has emptied itself and Phil generously donated his tank to her so she could complete here Advanced course. This was extremely generous as he was essentially giving up his dive on his day off.


I was happy to drift along and try to workout the new (to me) underwater sony camera. Did not do as miuch as I had wanted but its a learning curve. Next time!! Besides I have no strobe and its dark so my shutter speeds were far too slow.

Can you see the rock cod??

Too soon we had to head up. Heath sucks air faster than I do and I tend to breathe deeply.. The nitrox was a great help but at 22m we still only had 30 mins. I wanted more time. WHAAAA

3 mins safety stop all watching our computers, counting down....

Returning to the shore, we waited for the boat to be loaded onto the trailer and then unpacked the boat. Again the weather gods tried to freeze us to death but what is a little hypothermia??

Donna signed us off for advanced and Nitrox. Heath had to take the stuff back tomorrow as we had a long way to travel home and the store would be closed long before we got to Wollongong.
I was dropped off, Heath grabbed his car and took Kelsea home.

I collapsed in a heap and struggled with my go pro and totally lost in my world I forgot about the food in the car, the scuba gear sooooooooo

I was in trouble with Heath returned. OOPS.
Hmm I have to try to be less forgetful. Upset myself, marring a perfect day.

Anxiety is a bitch . ANYWAY.. happy to hide under the covers after a long hot shower.