Friday, July 24, 2015

Naval Gazing

and other random thoughts
An excellent post written by the talented Snoskred had me thinking of the changes that have happened rather organically recently.

I was and in a lot of way still am a SLAVE TO MY PHONE. I remember even travelling through the UK with my head down a lot of the time. I used several O2 sim cards with "unnlimited" data (SNORT) and ran out constantly. I have an amaysim sim card that offers me 7GB of start a month and yes, with 6 days to go, I have 1GB left. I am sweating.


in recent months,
- I have been leaving my phone at home when I go out for dinner..
- putting my phone on block 10pm to 3am.
- having it on silent during the day esp when at work, It used to be on vibrate
- I have stepped back from social media, I have been absent from Twitter, rarely on FB and don't check IG everyday. If on IG I tend to seek out certain people instead of mindless scrolling
- I put my phone in my bag on the train and reading or instead , more recently, sleeping.
- I read my rss feeds only once or twice a week and not on my phone.
- I resist reading or checking my phone in the bedroom. Its for alarm clock only. There are exceptions. In my job, I do have to take some calls.

I have instead discovered there are people in the real world. There is sun and plants and shit.. who would have thought.
As I have stated, this has been gradual, ever since I nearly drowned at Easter time, I have sought to live the life that I have to the best of my ability. Whilst I hate my shift times, I do love my job. I love the challenge and I have great teamwork happening. My work is fairly positive and when its quiet, I find a subject to study rather than browse the net.
I have started a my wish/bucket list. For years and years, after my mother and grandfather used to talk about diving and boating around Bass strait and Southern NSW, have I wanted to SCUBA dive. I successfully got my open water and shortly after, my Advanced open water. Heath thinks I am rushing things but I am the doer, when I get an idea in my head. Plus there is so much to see in the short years I have left, statistically 40-50 years. This seems a lot but as you age have you not noticed the years flying by?? Its almost August, I can't get to do social diving and have to book my free time months in advance to just get time off.

Self Love

I have been lazy in my self care and hence slipped back into my destructive thinking. It takes work to keep up maintenance in myself and I have dropped the ball. I have used my treadmill being covered in boxes as an excuse, and my lack of sleep isn't helping. The main issue is I am making excuses. On night shifts last week, I had the time to do at least 30 mins, or take the dog for a walk. I have undone all my hard work and regained 10kg. That's a 1/4 of the weight I lost. Its some of my eating, but mostly lack of movement.
My meals are balance, but I have a serious addiction to cereal. TO counter balance that, I try to stay with mother's home-made cereal or sultana bran. As I struggle to eat even one piece of fruit, I cut up and apple and put that in my cereal.  Least that's been successful.
Over 100kg with Mickey who was over 12kg  Not even at my heaviest (2005)

My brain sees only old me at 120+kg. My work on my self image has taken a knock and I think whilst I need to shape up and get back to my exercise, I have to be less severe on myself. Everyone has a slide right? Isn't the trick to get up off the floor and continue on?
I haven't had any major depression episodes, I pin this on my more positive circle of people in my life atm. I am getting support and this makes a huge difference.
2009 working Swindon A Signal Box 

On the way home last night I caught the end of an interview Richard Glover was doing about Fat Shaming One caller pointed out, rightfully, that he was always obese and never had a family member shame him or commented about his growing weight, he felt loved and supported enough to make his own decision to lose weight. Shaming and making snide comments only drives people to comfort eating. My point is I feel supported and stronger than I have at any time in the past, and  I will get back to my mid 80kgs. I don't mind being size 16 and therefore a smaller plus size, I do object to me own failure by my own hand. No more surgery until I am below 90kg. I have to do this myself.

This rambling was prompted by the radio program and a post that the Lovely Leah posted on FB. The article is positive but this paragraph struck me.
My Wedding was perfect

"As a fat woman, if you ask for help or guidance on almost any topic, what you inevitably hear is some version of “Take up less space.” Diminish yourself. Feeling sick? Make your body smaller. Can’t find love? Make your body smaller. Undervalued at work? Make your body smaller. Can’t make your body smaller? Hide your body. Can’t hide your body? “Flatter” your body (ie make it look smaller). Choose an empire waist. Cover your arms. Your body is too unattractive. Your body is too expensive. Your body is too unruly. We want to see less of you, or preferably none at all."
I have to love me enough to keep at it. Left foot, right foot, left foot, right foot..

Special mention to my support people. Whether they know it or not.
Kelina and her other half Alan. Supportive loving people.I am so blessed to have met you two. 
Fabian who knows his mother is crazy and tells me so

Leah, the lady who started me to love myself. (Stolen from her web site)
Aniseh who keeps me sane (Photo from her FB)

The boys in my life who love me no matter what. (And Basil who is scared of me)

My mother who makes a lot of my meals so I don't buy take out

David who has been dragged around the world by me. Your eating habits will kill me though.

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