Monday, October 12, 2015

Ruminations


The crazy fatigued me look.. 
I don't know what triggered it. Maybe the constant up of my weight graph.. The heat/humidity or just in relation to something I tweeted yesterday but I have been overly critical of my body and find myself sliding back a year when I couldn't even look  in a mirror with out horror. It took my friend Kevin a lot to get me to take full length selfies.,
I then discovered Leah through her body positivity challenges and although she had mostly finshed the challenges I did them any way. (Starting from here)

I spent over a year working from my breakdown to the marvelous bubbly life of the party you see today (Oh dear - sarcasm)


I am back to not being happy with the mirror. I am appeoaching 100kg again and nothing I do is slowing it. I try to not let it get to me but damn it!! I worked hard on my health and I was feeling great, I was/am back to running but with my weight gain I am suffering leg issues again. At 90kg and below these disapppear. I love my sport., I don't do it well I don't do it fast but I do it and I love it. As I grow in size, I have to stop again. 
Random image to break up rant

I am not looking for sympathy.. I am not wanting messages of no.. you are not that bad.. I am just venting on my space of the internet. I don't want to roll over and give up to return to the misery I was in. I don't need to be constantly with knee and ankle braces and I love heels !! BAH.

To add insult to injury, size 16 is now way out. Its a fantasy again. Ok I have size 18 dresses, but they are tight.. Do I go naked?? Who can afford a new waredrobe because god help me I have lots of clothes. 

Its not food.
Its not exercise 
I do both. I am careful when I eat. OK sometimes I have a Youghurtland thing but its rare and I don't fill it. DO I need to slice off a bloody arm? (Need legs to run) 

I have been rethinking surgery but this won't fix my head. Even it I did millions of dollars of work on myself.. (OK dreaming) my brain will still tell me I am unworthy. I was so stupidly thrilled when a guy wolf whistled even though my normal self was outraged that a guy wo9uold take such liberty, in this case he was so polite when he found out I was with someone, I couldnt be mad. I was flattered. But that's my once off. 

I will still see the guy who emailed me to accuse me of misrepresenting myself in photos (They were a day old) and stood me up for being too fat. (wtf seriously) 
I am tired of focing myself to be happy with my body. It does its best but frankly my brain tells me it can do better. 

I have loving friends and family. I have a house, I have a handsome, well behaved, if spoilt teen, I can get food easily.. I have a job, I have a GOOD job in an industry that I do enjoy (MOst of the time) I am therefore richer than so many millions of people in the world. 
Why can't my brain just let me be happy and grateful for my blessings and leave me alone? 

OR why can't I normalise?



ARGGHHH...

End vent. 



Oh and Fuck you Boohoo and your jeans. 

Size 18? 






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