Wednesday, December 23, 2015

Addiction




"Addiction is a condition that results when a person ingests a substance (e.g., alcohol, cocaine, nicotine) or engages in an activity (e.g., gambling, sex, shopping) that can be pleasurable but the continued use/act of which becomes compulsive and interferes with ordinary life responsibilities, such as work, relationships, or health. Users may not be aware that their behavior is out of control and causing problems for themselves and others."


So tomorrow is the day my pay goes into an account that I can't access directly. This is for my addiction and part of my therapy. I was ok with this.. I agreed to this and I DO NEED THIS help.
I do

But.

I am anxious.

I have just printed out the statements for the credit cards (Yes multiple) that I have paid off, spent, paid off and spent then gotten and loan to pay off and then spend YET AGAIN.

See I need help.

I will be disappointing H big time when he gets one of the statement that He paid off for me. Its spent again. This makes me sad that I have failed..

Its Xmas and I can't get groceries now. I spent that. This is my doing and at 43 years old I have had to admit I have lost control.

No more talking.  Tis time for action. But its frightening.

Before anyone tells me to get therapy, I do.  I am not looking for any pointers or sympathy (Undeserving) I am just venting a stream of consciousness.

Tonight I hand him my statements and I have listed my loans and payments. I will give him access to my paypal (OK one paypal) and get him to change the password so I can't log in to that either. (I ran up $6km in a month on paypal)

If you don't here from me, I am hibernating until I can get my shit together.

Today I spent $350AU on a dress. It would have been $550 on two dresses but my cc is over drawn.


I have conquered my food addiction..I can get a handle on this.


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